The most painful are the tears which can't be shed...

People are born to struggle. While some can overcome it when the others can't... While a few can document theirs when the majority of the others are lost in oblivion... Struggle is a constant.

Bringing you a collection of personal experiences, moulded into self-framed quotes, which would resonate with you during those times of your life when things don't not seem to go your way.

Understand yourself and those around you.

psychology

Psychology

mindfulness

Mindfulness

health

Health

mentalhealth

Mental Health

loveandrelationships

Love & Relationships

Quotes for the tough times

Everyone you love won’t be able to grow with you. No one talks about how painful and confusing this is; wanting folks to come along who just can’t/won’t/aren’t ready. What I’ve grown to learn is this doesn’t mean love is lost, but it can mean loving from a distance. Loving yourself fully will sometimes require loving certain people from a distance.

“Loving yourself fully will sometimes require loving certain people from a distance.”

109K likes, 364 comments - alex_elle on May 30, 2023: "Accepting this took me years. It required lots of growing through grief.

No one talks about how ..."

personaldevelopment

Personal Development

motivationandinspiration

Motivation & Inspiration

communication

Communication

Alexandra Elle: Everyone You Love Won’t Be Able To Grow With You

Is love an art? Then it requires knowledge and effort.

Is Love an Art?

Most people see the problem of love primarily as that of being loved, rather than that of loving, of one's capacity to love. Hence the problem to them is how to be loved, how to be lovable.

Being Loved and Loving

A premise behind the attitude that there is nothing to be learned about love is the assumption that the problem of love is the problem of an object, not the problem of a faculty.

Object and Faculty

Another error leading to the assumption that there is nothing to be learned about love lies in the confusion between the initial experience of "falling" in love, and the permanent state of being in love, or as we might better say, "standing" in love.

Falling or Standing in Love?

Any theory of love must begin with a theory of man, of human existence.

Theory of Love

The deepest need of man is the need to overcome his separateness, to leave the prison of his aloneness.

The Deepest Need

Woman is not a castrated man, and her sexuality is specifically feminine and not of "a masculine nature".

Man and Woman

Sexual attraction between the sexes is only partly motivated by the need for removal of tension; it is mainly the need for union with the other sexual pole.

Sexual Attraction between the Sexes

For most children before the age from eight and a half to ten, the problem is almost exclusively that of being loved (of being loved for what one is).

Children's Problem

<ul><li>To give has become more satisfactory, more joyous, then to receive.</li><li>To love, more important even than being loved. By loving, he has left the prison cell of aloneness and isolation which was constituted by the state of narcissism and self-centeredness.</li></ul>

Give and Love

<ul><li>In erotic love, two people who were separate become one.</li><li>In motherly love, two people who were one become separate.</li></ul>

Erotic vs. Motherly Love

<ul><li>Brotherly love is love among equals.</li><li>Motherly love is love for the helpless.</li></ul>

Brotherly vs. Motherly Love

In erotic love, there is an exclusiveness which is lacking in brotherly love and motherly love. Frequently the exclusiveness of erotic love is misinterpreted as meaning possessive attachment.

Exclusiveness of Erotic Love

Love, in principle, is indivisible as far as the connection between "objects" and one's own self is concerned.

Love in Principle

If love is a capacity of the mature, productive character, it follows that the capacity to love in an individual living in any given culture depends on the influence this culture has on the character of the average person.

What if Love is a Capacity of the Mature?

To be concentrated in relation to others means primarily to be able to listen. Most people listen to others, or even give advice, without really listening.

Listen

This book wants to show that love is not a sentiment which can be easily indulged in by anyone, regardless of the level of maturity reached by him.

The landmark bestseller that changed the way we think about love: “Every line is packed with common sense, compassion, and realism” (Fortune).  The Art of Loving is a rich and detailed guide to love—an achievement reached through maturity, practice, concentration, and courage. In the decades since the book’s release, its words and lessons continue to resonate. Erich Fromm, a celebrated psychoanalyst and social psychologist, clearly and sincerely encourages the development of our capacity for and understanding of love in all of its facets. He discusses the familiar yet misunderstood romantic love, the all-encompassing brotherly love, spiritual love, and many more. A challenge to traditional Western notions of love, The Art of Loving is a modern classic about taking care of ourselves through relationships with others by the New York Times–bestselling author of To Have or To Be? and Escape from Freedom.  This ebook features an illustrated biography of Erich Fromm including rare images and never-before-seen documents from the author’s estate.

philosophy

Philosophy

education

Learning & Education

books

Books

Erich Fromm, Ph.D. (Sociology, University of Heidelberg, 1922), was a psychoanalyst and social philosopher who explored the interaction between psychology and society, and held various professorships in psychology in the U.S. and Mexico in the mid-20th century.Fromm's theory is a rather unique blend of Freud and Marx. Freud, of course, emphasized the unconscious, biological drives, repression, and so on. In other words, Freud postulated that our characters were determined by biology. Marx, on the other hand, saw people as determined by their society, and most especially by their economic systems.

Erich Fromm

The Art of Loving

Six steps to move forward.

Do Not Go It Alone

You need to take the time to feel the pain. Do not rush or try to stay busy to ignore it. You need to be able to process what went wrong and how you can improve yourself. Now is not the time to try and move on to something new.

First Step

Worry about what you can control. Are you in pain because someone left you? Do not beg for them back, do not chase them. Develop your self respect. You do not want anyone in your life that does not want to be there. Eat good, exercise, get plenty of rest, work on improving yourself.

Second Step

Get out of you comfort zone. Talk to your friends or your family. If you do not have someone close open up to someone at work or school you trust. Connect with therapist or counselor. Do not hold it all in it will only get worse. You need help and this is the time you figure out how to get it.

Third Step

Start working on yourself. Get some confidence. What are you good at? What did you enjoy doing in past? Improving yourself and developing coping skills are going to keep you moving forward. Stop scrolling and start growing.

Fourth Step

Expand your network. Join a gym or social club. Meet new people and develop new friendships. This is the time you start understanding yourself and how great you are. You need to be able to love yourself before you can love someone else. This will be the hardest part, but will have the biggest rewards.

Fifth Step

You took the time to process the hurt. You understand your part in the process and how you can be a better person. You are developing friendships and connections that will help you in the future. You know who you are and what you want. You define what success is for you. You are an improving, confident, individual that is ready to meet whatever challenge comes next.

Sixth Step

habits

Habits

Do not go it alone

I thought love was just like a game of chessBut I learned It could be a big messShe walked into my front lines like a rookWho knew what schemes those eyes could cookI wanted to know what stories she hideswhile in real she was playing both sidesAlas I thought I had her in Checkmatelittle did I know I lost the game on our 1st date

Here It Goes..

writing

Reading & Writing

creativity

Creativity

Love Chess?

<ol><li>I took these notes while listening to this podcast three years ago. I am not sure whether the episode linked is the one I listened to back then, but it's the closest I could find.</li><li>Dating advice is very sensitive and personal. I personally do not resonate with some of the advice Matthew Hussey offers (I modified them a little). Take what resonates, leave the rest!</li></ol>Relationship advice I resonate more with: <a href="https://dsta.sh/VACZ6rkrcgCzxDMh7">8 Rules Of Love Summary</a>Despite this, I still wanted to move the notes from my notes app to Deepstash as they might help someone.

Disclaimer

<ul><li>Don't change your behaviour daily. Consistency is important.</li><li>"Invest then test": First, invest in the relationship, then test if it works.</li><li>Communicate and give clear signs that you like them.</li><li>"I move a bit, you move a bit": Meet each other in the middle.</li></ul>

Getting To Know Each Other

If someone is intentional about dating, they ask intentional questions because they want to know you.

Imagine stranding on a desert island. There is land to be discovered but nothing yet to "see", you have to build the castle first. The same goes with relationships. We are so nervous on dates because we are already seeing the castle even though it is not there yet - you have to build it first.People also do not value the castle, they value the connection.

Building The Castle

Chemistry refers to chemicals released by your brain when you are in love with someone, such as oxytocin. Their release is reduced after 18 to 24 months into the relationship and has to be "build up" again.Compatibility lasts longer as it is not based on chemicals but on how you connect.

Chemistry Is Not Compatibility

There are four levels of importance:<ol><li>Admiration</li><li>Connection, chemistry or both</li><li>Commitment, saying "yes" to each other</li><li>Compatibility</li></ol>

Levels Of Importance

If someone is telling you something that would make their life more difficult to tell you, then it's probably true.

... when they tell you something bad about themselves."If someone is telling you something that isn't good for their pitch, that means it took some activation energy to do that." - Matthew Hussey

Believe Them

"Don't pick up the leaves from the tree, take the root of the tree."Take a problem at its root and solve it as soon as it arises. Don't allow small things to build up over time.The problem is never the other person but the relationship between you. Problems affect both of you and should therefore be solved by both of you.

Solving Problems

<ul><li>"Women have to ask questions too, even if they're afraid of the answer."</li><li>Men like it when a woman knows what she wants.</li><li>Women can also make the first step.</li><li>Men don't want attention, they want intention.</li><li>When someone says they don't want it, they don't want it - believe them.</li></ul>(Note: These ideas are originally based on heterosexual relationships but I personally believe they are not limited to any specific gender or relationship.)

Genders In Dating

Dating and relationship advice from Matthew Hussey.

Get my book Radical Confidence NOW
https://www.radicalconfidence.com/UDX497 

Get my FREE 4-part Confidence Course
https://www.radicalconfidence.com/cdg501?r_done=1 

Listen NOW to the WOI Podcast
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/women-of-impact/id1435217865

On Today's Episode:

Download the Relationship Survival Guide, which includes questions to ask your significant other that will reveal some deep truths here: https://impacttheory.com/knowledge-center/

On this episode of Women of Impact, motivational speaker and dating advice expert Matthew Hussey joins Lisa Bilyeu to discuss such matters and more as they break down the complicated parts of finding love and reveal how dating and relationships can be much simpler than you might think. They discuss the importance of feeling someone just try in a relationship, how to identify good intentions, why you have to invest in someone, the pitfalls of building up a story in our heads even before the first date, and why you should be willing to ask the difficult questions necessary in developing a strong relationship long-term. 

SHOW NOTES:

It’s Not That Complicated | Matthew shares the importance of feeling someone just try. [1:53]
Intentions | Matthew discusses the difference between attention and intention. [5:46]
Invest, Then Test | Matthew shares why trying and staying confident is key to finding love. [7:20]
Complicated | Matthew shares why we try to force a fix when it gets complicated. [12:45]
Fantasy | Matthew reveals the pitfalls of writing a story in your head before it’s unfolded. [15:15]
Process | Matthew shares the four stages of importance in developing any relationship. [18:13]
Maintenance | Matthew discusses why the work in a relationship never ends. [23:52]
What They Actually Mean | Matthew reveals the true meaning behind what he says. [27:09]
What You Can Trust | Matthew reveals what you can trust that signals he likes you. [31:45]
Ask | Matthew shares why you shouldn’t shy away from asking the tough questions. [33:56]
Be Ruthless | Matthew reveals why you have to stand firm in your conviction. [39:21]
Love Switches | Matthew discusses the importance of knowing what your partner needs. [40:05]
Difficult Talks | Matthew shares why you shouldn’t steer clear of difficult conversations. [43:12]
Connect | Matthew shares how you can get his free guide and follow him for more. [47:05]

QUOTES:

“Attention does not mean intention. We can get lots of attention from someone who has no intention of taking it anywhere further…” [5:46]

“Don’t invest in someone based on how much you like them, invest in them based on how much they invest in you.” [7:13]

“Instead of watching a story unfold, we’ve created the story before it’s happened.” [15:15]

“Women have to be brave enough to ask questions that they’re afraid of the answers to.” [35:35]

“Be kind in your tone, but ruthless in your actions.” [39:21]

FOLLOW LISA BILYEU:

Instagram: https://bit.ly/2TIsoKh
YouTube: https://bit.ly/2IAbTcH
Podcast: https://spoti.fi/2IEajGW

FOLLOW MATTHEW:

Website: https://threelovehabits.com
YouTube: https://youtube.com/user/gettheguyteam
Instagram: https://instagram.com/thematthewhussey
Facebook: https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey
Twitter: https://twitter.com/matthewhussey

problemsolving

Problem Solving

artsandculture

Society, Arts & Culture

Get my book Radical Confidence NOW
https://www.radicalconfidence.com/UDX497 

Get my FREE 4-part Confidence Course
https://www.radicalconfidence.com/cdg501?r_done=1 

Listen NOW to the WOI Podcast
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/women-of-impact/id1435217865

On Today's Episode:

Download the Relationship Survival Guide, which includes questions to ask your significant other that will reveal some deep truths here: https://impacttheory.com/knowledge-center/

On this episode of Women of Impact, motivational speaker and dating advice expert Matthew Hussey joins Lisa Bilyeu to discuss such matters and more as they break down the complicated parts of finding love and reveal how dating and relationships can be much simpler than you might think. They discuss the importance of feeling someone just try in a relationship, how to identify good intentions, why you have to invest in someone, the pitfalls of building up a story in our heads even before the first date, and why you should be willing to ask the difficult questions necessary in developing a strong relationship long-term. 

SHOW NOTES:

It’s Not That Complicated | Matthew shares the importance of feeling someone just try. [1:53]
Intentions | Matthew discusses the difference between attention and intention. [5:46]
Invest, Then Test | Matthew shares why trying and staying confident is key to finding love. [7:20]
Complicated | Matthew shares why we try to force a fix when it gets complicated. [12:45]
Fantasy | Matthew reveals the pitfalls of writing a story in your head before it’s unfolded. [15:15]
Process | Matthew shares the four stages of importance in developing any relationship. [18:13]
Maintenance | Matthew discusses why the work in a relationship never ends. [23:52]
What They Actually Mean | Matthew reveals the true meaning behind what he says. [27:09]
What You Can Trust | Matthew reveals what you can trust that signals he likes you. [31:45]
Ask | Matthew shares why you shouldn’t shy away from asking the tough questions. [33:56]
Be Ruthless | Matthew reveals why you have to stand firm in your conviction. [39:21]
Love Switches | Matthew discusses the importance of knowing what your partner needs. [40:05]
Difficult Talks | Matthew shares why you shouldn’t steer clear of difficult conversations. [43:12]
Connect | Matthew shares how you can get his free guide and follow him for more. [47:05]

QUOTES:

“Attention does not mean intention. We can get lots of attention from someone who has no intention of taking it anywhere further…” [5:46]

“Don’t invest in someone based on how much you like them, invest in them based on how much they invest in you.” [7:13]

“Instead of watching a story unfold, we’ve created the story before it’s happened.” [15:15]

“Women have to be brave enough to ask questions that they’re afraid of the answers to.” [35:35]

“Be kind in your tone, but ruthless in your actions.” [39:21]

FOLLOW LISA BILYEU:

Instagram: https://bit.ly/2TIsoKh
YouTube: https://bit.ly/2IAbTcH
Podcast: https://spoti.fi/2IEajGW

FOLLOW MATTHEW:

Website: https://threelovehabits.com
YouTube: https://youtube.com/user/gettheguyteam
Instagram: https://instagram.com/thematthewhussey
Facebook: https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey
Twitter: https://twitter.com/matthewhussey

WARNING: Subscribing to this channel will lead to feeling like a badass with total confidence, zero excuses, & living life on your frikin terms! On this channel, boundaries, commanding respect, believing you are enough & aiming for an above average life are HIGHLY contagious side effects.

Before co-founding the billion-$ company Quest Nutrition, writing my best-selling book Radical Confidence, & becoming president of Impact Theory Studios I had ZERO confidence! I was playing small, trying to be a good Greek housewife, but totally lost myself in the process. And so homie, this channel is for anyone who is tired, lost & fed up! And  I interview some of the most successful & inspiring women in the game to bring you the straight-up, no-BS approach to help you KEEP. GETTING. BACK. UP!

So get ready for a dose of badassasy! Get ready to be motivated. Get ready to be empowered to stop waiting for someone to come & save you & finally become the hero of your own life!

Much Love,
Lisa B xxx


Lisa Bilyeu

If A Man Is TRULY SERIOUS About You, He Will DO THIS! | Matthew Hussey

If A Man Is Truly Serious About You, He Will Do This!

<div>
 Making sure to tell the truth
 This is the right thing to do
 Do not hide anything and be straight to the point
 Always be open and honest even if it's hard to do so
 <ul>
 <li>It's important to speak truthfully</li>
 <li>Be sincere in your words</li>
 </ul>
<div></div></div>

I'm being frank

I have to be honest

I HAVE TO GO 

The #1 New York Times bestseller. Over 10 million copies sold! Tiny Changes, Remarkable Results No matter your goals, Atomic Habits offers a proven framework for improving--every day. James Clear, one of the world's leading experts on habit formation, reveals practical strategies that will teach you exactly how to form good habits, break bad ones, and master the tiny behaviors that lead to remarkable results. If you're having trouble changing your habits, the problem isn't you. The problem is your system. Bad habits repeat themselves again and again not because you don't want to change, but because you have the wrong system for change. You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems. Here, you'll get a proven system that can take you to new heights. Clear is known for his ability to distill complex topics into simple behaviors that can be easily applied to daily life and work. Here, he draws on the most proven ideas from biology, psychology, and neuroscience to create an easy-to-understand guide for making good habits inevitable and bad habits impossible. Along the way, readers will be inspired and entertained with true stories from Olympic gold medalists, award-winning artists, business leaders, life-saving physicians, and star comedians who have used the science of small habits to master their craft and vault to the top of their field. Learn how to: <ul><li>make time for new habits (even when life gets crazy);</li></ul><ul><li>overcome a lack of motivation and willpower;</li></ul><ul><li>design your environment to make success easier;</li></ul><ul><li>get back on track when you fall off course;</li></ul>...and much more. Atomic Habits will reshape the way you think about progress and success, and give you the tools and strategies you need to transform your habits--whether you are a team looking to win a championship, an organization hoping to redefine an industry, or simply an individual who wishes to quit smoking, lose weight, reduce stress, or achieve any other goal.

career

Career

teamwork

Teamwork

James Clear is the author of "Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones" He writes about habits, decision-making, and continuous improvement at jamesclear.com. His website receives millions of visitors each month and hundreds of thousands subscribe to his popular email newsletter.His work has appeared in the New York Times, Entrepreneur, Time, and on CBS This Morning. He is a regular speaker at Fortune 500 companies and his work is used by teams in the NFL, NBA, and MLB. Learn more at jamesclear.com

James Clear

Atomic Habits

Have you caught yourself chasing someone else's dreams? Or stuck in a rules and norms where you live right now? The agony to live free is always there, but how should we do that? When there's no room to question the norm or the cage in the mind, it's pretty hard to put fight n a war.

We'll always have a demand in this life, whether it's a requirement to get a job or our parents expectations for us. Sometimes, it can be exhausted to fill all of this dream because probably it's not belong to us.Fortunately, you have the right to reprograms all the truth that captived you. Start by letting of expectations. Let go of the perfectionist and shift your expectations to things within your grasp, like the effort you put in and the joy you have at the present moment.

Reprogramming your life

When you set your expectation with intention, you aren't just surviving; you're crafting a life that allows you the freedom to flourish. Remember, re-programming is not a one-night solutions, it requires continuous updates; it's an ongoing journey of personal evolution.

Cultural expectations: sounds familliar?Respecting your culture doesn't mean you can't forge your own path within it. As you stand on your path, remember that both culture and faith offer maps but you're the navigator. Your life is a canvas and you hold the brush. It takes courage to paint outside the lines, but doing so allows you to create a life that's authentically yours, free from cultural expectations.

Expectations imposed by your cultur

It's easy to get lost in a fantasy of what you thing your partner should be like, how they should react, and what they should understand about you. However, the world doesn't work that way. The silent hopes and assumptions can skew the reality of who your partner is and what they're capable of offering.

Expectations in your relationships

A heartfelt conversations can solve half of the problem. Relationships need checkups, a time to exchange feedback, and to really listen not just to respond. Don’t seek to control; instead, seek to share, to understand, to grow. Be ready for love, be open to change, and most of all, be true – to yourself, your partner, and the love you both deserve.

The professional landscape is a realm distinct from other areas of your life. When considering your own expectations around job performance, it's important to be mindful of this dynamic.Be proactive in understanding both the stated and unstated expectations, This could mean observing, asking thorough questions and even reading between the lines to truly decode your boss's priorities, working style, and expected deliverables.

Expectations in your professional life

If the times comes when your expectations in your career are no longer fulfilled by your current company, listen closely to your gut. What do you really want from your career? How does your current job fit into this vision? It's important to find work that's meaningful to you.

You can live an authentic life by examining your expectations, release those imposed on you and intentionally embracing what align to your true self. Expectations are shackles unless you let them be. they're meant to provide healthy structure and purposeful direction.

What matters is that you live for something you believe in and not live in fear for something you do not.”―

How can live free in a rapid change of our society? Is there any possibility to live by our own definition of life? 

The bestselling author returns with his biggest book yet in which he teaches us the secret to living a happier life: get rid of as many expectations as possible—of ourselves, our future, our relationships, our career and our family.Expectations are the secret software, running on the hardware of our minds, controlling our emotions, decisions, and actions. How? Think about your life. How much of the sadness you feel derives from what you think should have happened—than with what actually happened?Think about your career. How much of the discontent you feel comes from your belief about where you’d be at this point—than with the progress you’ve actually made?Think about your relationships. How much of your dissatisfaction with friends, family, significant others, or spouses has to do with your unspoken presumptions—than with the people themselves?Having so many expectations is distorting your perspective, decreasing your happiness and disrupting your joy. You can live a life of true freedom, greater peace and less stress: release as many expectations as possible.This, DeVon Franklin argues, is the secret to a better life now.In a culture obsessed with more, Live Free is a bold counterintuitive book that can start a cultural revolution, Franklin contends. Everyone struggles with unnecessary expectations. But once you learn to let go of them, you can set the stage for the life you’ve always wanted.

DeVon Franklin

Live Free

𝐆𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐮𝐩 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐞𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐭 𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞 𝐚𝐭 𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭.

The Art of Elevating Your Mind at Night

leadershipandmanagement

Leadership & Management

Mastering Your Thoughts

Nice guys believe that if they are good and do everything right, they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem-free life.This attempt to be good typically involves trying to eliminate or hide certain things about themselves (their mistakes, needs, emotions) and become what they believe others want them to be (generous, helpful, peaceful, etc.).

<ul><li>caretaking</li><li>giving to get</li><li>keeping the peace</li><li>avoiding conflict</li><li>seeking approval</li><li>hiding mistakes</li></ul>

2. Behaviors of Nice Guy:

<ul><li>He has a strong sense of self. He likes himself just as he is.</li><li>He takes responsibility for getting his own needs met.</li><li>He is comfortable with his masculinity and his sexuality.</li><li>He has integrity. He does what is right, not what is expedient.</li><li>He is a leader. He is willing to provide for and protect those he cares about.</li><li>He is clear, direct, and expressive of his feelings.</li><li>He can be nurturing and giving without caretaking or problem-solving.</li><li>He knows how to set boundaries and is not afraid to work through conflict.</li><li>An integrated male doesn’t strive to be perfect or gain the approval of others.</li></ul>

3. Attributes of an Integrated Man:

<ul><li>Children are born helpless and fear abandonment and are self-centered.</li><li>Unmet childhood needs create abandonment experiences.</li><li>They blame themselves and feel toxic shame and develop coping mechanisms based on powerlessness.</li><li>They believe they are inherently bad due to shame.</li><li>Cope with feeling defective by being overly nice.</li><li>Hide perceived badness from self and others.</li></ul> Root is toxic shame and fear of abandonment.

4. Childhood Origin of Nice Guy Paradigm:

<ul><li>Industrialization & urbanization disrupted traditional family structures.</li><li>Absent fathers and lack of male role models.</li><li>Being raised by women without male guidance.</li><li>Radical feminism portrayed men as "bad".</li></ul>

5. Societal Changes Leading to Nice Guy Syndrome:

<ul><li>Disconnected from manhood and masculine identity.</li><li>Comfortable being defined by women's approval.</li><li>Confused about how to be men and seeking validation through women.</li><li>Hiding "bad" male traits to be "nice" for women's love.</li><li>Dependent on women's approval due to lack of male guidance.</li></ul>

Effects on Men:

<ul><li>Requires constant monitoring of women's sexual availability and moods.</li><li>Gives women power to control the relationship tone.</li><li>Links men's moods to women's moods.</li><li>Allows women to define men's worth.</li><li>Sacrifice own needs to please women.</li><li>Creates self-doubt when women critique men.</li><li>Leads to rage towards women when expectations aren't met.</li><li>Turns women into false gods then despises them for failing.</li></ul>

6. Problems with Seeking Women's Approval:

<ul><li>What do I want?</li><li>What feels right to me?</li><li>What would make me happy?</li></ul>

7. Start asking yourself these important questions:

<ul><li>I am lovable just as I am.</li><li>I am perfectly imperfect.   </li><li>My needs are important.</li><li>I am a strong and powerful person.</li><li>I can handle it.</li><li>People love and accept me just as I am.</li><li>It is OK to be human and make mistakes.</li><li>I am the only person I have to please.</li></ul>

8. Some possible affirmations:

Nice Guys need safe, trusting relationships to reveal their shame and humanity in order to change their core belief that they are bad and unlovable.

Helpless, whiny, wimpy, and needy are not attractive on a man. Confidence and self-assurance are. Most folks are attracted to men who have a sense of self. Putting the self first doesn’t drive people away, it attracts them. Putting the self first is essential for getting what one wants in love and life.

Nice Guys want smooth lives but it's impossible - life is unpredictable. Their childhood made them think if they did everything right, life would be smooth. These beliefs help cope but don't work as adults. Nice Guys use childhood mechanisms, ensuring failure. This failure perpetuates fear and ineffectiveness in a vicious cycle.

Nice Guys need to learn how to set boundaries to take control of their lives. At first, they might go to extremes, but they learn to use the right amount of resistance. Setting boundaries is about changing themselves, not others, and taking responsibility helps relationships grow and get better.

In order to reverse the effects of the Nice Guy Syndrome, Nice Guys have to reclaim their masculinity. Reclaiming one’s masculinity involves:<ul><li>Connecting with other men.</li><li>Getting strong.</li><li>Finding healthy male role models.</li><li>Reexamining one’s relationship with one’s father.</li></ul> As Nice Guys reclaim their masculine energy, everyone wins. Not only does the recovering Nice Guy get to experience deeper bonds with men, but his relationships with women grow too.

Nice Guys struggle to find love because of their feelings of shame, problems in relationships, difficulty setting boundaries, repeating childhood patterns, strong connection to their mother, and challenges in ending things positively.

<ul><li>Avoiding sexual situations and opportunities</li><li>Trying to be a good lover</li><li>Hiding compulsive sexual behaviors</li><li>Repressing their life energy</li><li>Settling for bad sex</li></ul>

15. What prevents Nice Guys from getting the sex they want?

In nature, the alpha male and the bull moose don’t sit around trying to figure out what will make the girls like them. They are just themselves: fierce, strong, competitive, and sexually proud. Because they are what they are and do what they do, prospective mates are attracted.Self-respect, courage, and integrity look good on a man.

<ul><li>Release your sexual shame and fear</li><li>Take responsibility for your own pleasure</li><li>Refuse to settle for bad sex</li><li>Practice being  just who you are</li><li>Put yourself in the position to embrace this cosmic force without fear or reservation</li></ul>

17. This is when the sex really gets good:

Fear is the main thing that holds Nice Guys back. It affects everything they do or don't do. They fear making mistakes, failing, or even succeeding because they worry about being exposed as frauds or not living up to expectations. Instead of facing these fears, Nice Guys settle for less than what they could achieve.This keeps them from being creative, focusing on their mistakes, and taking risks or trying new things.

Nice Guys think there are strict rules for a happy life, but successful people make their own rules based on what works.

<ul><li>If it frightens you, do it.</li><li>Don’t settle. Every time you settle, you get exactly what you settled for.</li><li>Put yourself first.</li><li>No matter what happens, you will handle it.</li><li>Whatever you do, do it 100%.</li><li>If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got.</li><li>You are the only person on this planet responsible for your needs, wants, and happiness.</li><li>Ask for what you want.</li><li>If what you are doing isn’t working, try something different.</li><li>Be clear and direct.</li><li>Learn to say «no.»</li><li>Don’t make excuses.</li><li>If you are an adult, you are old enough to make your own rules.</li><li>Let people help you.</li></ul>

20. 30 Personal Rules to achieve everything you want:

<ul><li>Be honest with yourself.</li><li>Do not let anyone treat you badly. No one. Ever.</li><li>Remove yourself from a bad situation instead of waiting for the situation to change.</li><li>Don’t tolerate the intolerable —ever.</li><li>Stop blaming. Victims never succeed.</li><li>Live with integrity. Decide what feels right to you, then do it.</li><li>Accept the consequences of your actions.</li><li>Be good to yourself.</li><li>Think abundance.</li><li>Face difficult situations and conflict head on.</li><li>Don’t do anything in secret.</li><li>Do it now.</li><li>Be willing to let go of what you have so you can get what you want.</li><li>Have fun. If you are not having fun, something is wrong.</li></ul>

<ul><li>Give yourself room to fail. There are no mistakes, only learning experiences.</li><li>Control is an illusion. Let go; let life happen.</li></ul>

If others can do it, so can you. It's time to take control, make your own rules, and turn dreams into reality.

21 Important Lessons of "No More Mr Nice Guy"

Originally published as an e-book that became a controversial media phenomenon, No More Mr. Nice Guy! landed its author, a certified marriage and family therapist, on The O'Reilly Factor and the Rush Limbaugh radio show. Dr. Robert Glover has dubbed the "Nice Guy Syndrome" trying too hard to please others while neglecting one's own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness. It's no wonder that unfulfilled Nice Guys lash out in frustration at their loved ones, claims Dr. Glover. He explains how they can stop seeking approval and start getting what they want in life, by presenting the information and tools to help them ensure their needs are met, to express their emotions, to have a satisfying sex life, to embrace their masculinity and form meaningful relationships with other men, and to live up to their creative potential.

Dr. Robert Glover is the author of No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan For Getting What You Want in Love, Sex and Life (Running Press, 2003) and Dating Essentials for Men: The Only Dating Guide You Will Ever Need. Dr. Glover is the creator of Dating Essentials for Men and the director of TPI University.

Robert A. Glover

No More Mr Nice Guy

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